Like Gum On Their Shoes... I Just Won't Go Away

Or will I...

I have been desperate for a break from the boys.  Not that I don't love and adore them, but because motherhood - hell, parenthood, is tough! It is hard work to be so constantly present, conscious and strategic in the choices and decisions we make and the behaviour we model. In fact its impossible to be so, well, 'perfect' all the time. It is not only the physicality of these parenting demands, but also the emotional, intellectual and spiritual investments we make. And the remorse and guilt when I fall off the trying-to-be-a-great-mom-wagon is doubly exhausting. I'm not even striving to be a perfect mom. I long ago settled for being a "good enough mom". For those of you who are parents, I guess I don't need to convince you that this is a tough job - I can already see you nodding your virtual heads.

Anyway, I needed a break, so off I went on a weekend to Dubai to see my great friend Ali. Five days of relaxing, catching up and SHOPPING! Ah, bliss! I got back on the plane feeling really relaxed and refreshed.

Unfortunately I wasn't home an hour before I began to feel completely overwhelmed again. The fallout from a trip away from home began to unravel and it almost instantly felt like I was being punished.

I'd love to be your friend, but I need to be your Mom!

Lately, it has been brought to my attention the importance of being parents in our boys’ lives and not trying to be their friends all the time. Being a parent is really hard at times though. It involves setting boundaries and enforcing them; saying "no" about 200 times more than saying yes. It’s about broadening your boy’s horizons, not trying to maximise his pleasure.

One of my friend’s sons needs glasses. He does not want to wear them so they have resorted to bribery. The glasses will come with a brand new truck, chosen by the boy at the toy store – and then furtively smuggled to the optometrist in time for the collection of said spectacles. When I asked if the truck would be taken away if her son did not wear his glasses, she put her hand over her heart and said, “I can’t do that to my baby!” Since becoming a parent myself, I understand to well the meaning of tough love…

Of course we’d love nothing more than to make our little treasures continually happy. But how does saying “yes” and letting them do what they want to do work out in the long term. Not so well, I’d say.

Friendship is a reciprocal relationship between social peers. Our sons are not our social peers. You have the authority to limit or monitor your son’s exposure to television, the Internet and junk food. He does not have the right to do the same.

Roodle's Third Birthday

19 January 2010

Robbie is three today! He is so excited and this morning asked me where his candles were and his big party cake. Difficult for him to understand the different “events” surrounding his birthday – birthday morning and presents, birthday ring at school, his best friend Tendai and his brother Khaya coming for an early birthday supper, and finally and most excruciating to wait for is his party, which he is having on Saturday. Much excitement! It is an army party, with an army cake being made by yours truly…

Robbie is such an extraordinary child. He is so kind and thoughtful. He is quick to bring his doctor’s bag if any of us have an “owie”, always says “sorry” in his little voice when he bumps someone by accident, and is quick to say “Hi” to the world. His perseverance and determination – i.e. his stubbornness (directly inherited from his father) never cease to amaze us, and at times give both Guy and I the giggles as we watch a mini version of dad hold on to the death. Who actually knows if this is nature or nurture at play? He is so often forced to wrestle Alex for a toy, a turn, or a chance, that a large part of his tenacity is probably due to “survival of the fittest.

But he adores Alex. “Echo” we call him, as he can usually be heard repeating verbatim Alex’s phrases, seconds after being uttered by his big brother.

Acorns to Oak Trees

There is a small insert on BBC's CBeebies kiddies channel where they use the analogy of an acorn turning  into an oak tree with the line "growing together". I've seen it a million times, but yesterday it really got me thinking who my little "acorns" will be when they are "oak trees"? 

I guess it all starts with who they are now, and while I have tried to describe my boys separately in order to capture their uniqueness, at his stage I have not yet found the words to do so successfully.  They are both big, strong, beautiful boys who are sensitive, stubborn, charming, good natured, (mostly) well behaved, feisty, demanding, humourous, mischievous and active boys. I know there is something different about them but I have not been able to put my finger on it yet, let alone describe it in words.

I often think about who they will be "when they are big", and I have even gone so far as to have their names and birth dates done in numerology and their astrological charts.

Both reveal that Alex will be more of the leader - no surprises - but more puzzling is that while Alex is the male archetype, Robbie is the 'mother' archetype. More nurturing and philanthropic in is ventures. Its surprising because it is hard to see at the moment. He is such a high energy, wrestling initiator at the moment, its hard to see the nurturing side. But I guess it is there... This morning when I could not find my treasured Lunar linen kaftan, and was quite upset, Robbie said, "Robbie make it better, Mommy".  Too precious!

Next to my table at the coffee shop where I am typing this up, four old men are sitting, shooting the breeze, laughing and ... SMS-ing. I hope my boys grow up to be this old, still enjoying life and each other, and in touch with the latest techno advances.

I want, I want, I want!

My son Alex is four and he is heavily 'into' Ben 10. In fact, he was into Ben 10 "stuff" before he even really knew who Ben 10 was. Of course, now that he has seen an episode or two (or 20!) of the 10-year old Ben Tennyson, who is able to fight crime by turning himself into 10 different aliens by pushing a button on his outrageously large watch, he is obsessed. And there is no shop I can take him to where I can escape the Ben 10 clothing, toys, memorabilia... And every shop we go to has a new version of Ben 10 T-shirt, or a different selection of ultra cool toys. It has become a problem in our home! How does one deal with the instant gratification needs of a four year old?

Last term, I refused to buy him a Ben 10 backpack. It was traumatic as all his friends had one. I told him that if he wanted it he had to earn it. He spent a month earning it by staying in his bed until sunrise (6:30am - yay!) each morning. Every 7 days he received a Ben 10 "lucky packet" with a surprise alien figurine in. And after 5 aliens he received his backpack. The sense of achievement and pride was palpable. He radiated happiness. I couldn't have been happier! Now though, if I recommend earning a yearned for item, he says "No, earning it is too tiring! I want it now!" Of course, "no" does not go down so well and let's just say I have a very sad, petulant and feisty boy on my hands.

Just when I had taken the stance that enough was enough, Robbie, my two and a half year old, through sheer exposure to Ben 10's "cool factor" has fallen in love with all Alex's Ben 10 gadgets and figurines. Just this morning, they had a such a tussle over THE watch, that my husband, who cannot handle these altercations, begged me to please buy Robbie his own watch. So now, I am off to buy my two year old a Ben 10 watch that costs R250! How did this happen? I thought I had at least another year before Robbie fell victim to the same obsession as Alex!

Poor Sleepers

My dear friend Jo is having trouble with her youngest boy's sleep - he doesn't! I remember, without much fondness, I must add, how the first 2 years of Robbie's life were the same. Appalling! I tried everything I had done with Alex, but the same did not seem to work... I think the biggest mistake I made in hindsight, was to be too nervous of letting cry or moan even a little, in case he woke my hubby (not good!) or Alex, my older son. Now that Robbie is only two and a half, it seems like a distant memory, but it was just 6 months ago. It shows you how easily we forget, until we are reminded. Strength and patience to you, my friend. When you're in it, it's awful!

My Mr Men - Mr Impossible and Mr Adorable

My four year old son is being impossible! And I am at the end of my tether. My usually well behaved, obedient (for a four year old) and often disarmingly charming son has turned into a monster. Tears, tantrums and embarrassing displays of bad behaviour seem to be the order of the day. I keep telling myself "This too shall pass..." But, when?

On the other hand, my two and a half year old is being adorable. This, of course, does not help matters much. The other day we were driving past St Davids Marist Brothers school. The school is currently closed for the holidays and the pigeons were taking advantage of the peace and quiet to forage for goodies on the playing fields. Robbie said, "This Ali's (Alex's) school?" "Yes", I replied. "Naughty birdies," he said. "Why?" I asked. "Cos they playing soccer on the field," he replied with a grin. Alex and I roared with laughter. This age is so special. There is not much a child misses, even at the ripe old age of two!